10.19.2016

An Unsexy and Unpolitical Post About an Unsexy and Unpolitical Discussion

Dust off those imaginations with me for a moment.  I promise, it won't hurt.  Now let's pretend, just for a minute-- are you ready?-- that we don't all know everything.

Whew.  Still with me?  Good.  Moving on.

Unless you have been hibernating under a moon rock, the fact that a growing list of individuals claiming that the current Republican Presidential nominee sexually assaulted them has been all over everything, everywhere, should not come as news to you.  I've heard everyone from television personalities to the couple selecting chips in the grocery store to the second graders in children's church talking about it. At the risk of adding white noise to an already extremely contentious discussion, I'd like to suggest that the present discourse is lacking two key elements: humility and compassion.

First up, humility.  This election is unlike any other in history and media sensationalism is unlike I've ever seen.  So, too, is the seeming wide-spread assumption that we all possess secret knowledge about these politicians' and women's motives. "Isn't the timing of these allegations surfacing obviously just a publicity stunt?"  "Are they embellishing their account for shock factor?"  "Why would any rational human being wait so many years before publicly facing their abuser?"  Listen.  I have no idea if these accounts are true or not.  I don't know what motivated each woman to step into the spotlight at this particular time.  Countless speculations are out there and that's not what I intend to address.

Humility matters because it admits our inability to know these women's motives for remaining silent and, also, for stepping up to speak.  It is much easier to denounce these individuals as frauds and liars and attention-seekers when they are just names in an article or unfamiliar faces on a screen.  (I'm going to assume that anyone reading this probably doesn't personally know any of these women).  But what if that face on the screen belonged to daughter?  Your sister?  Your best friend?  Your significant other?

Can I get a bit personal for a minute?  The past weekish has been pretty uncomfortable for a lot of us who have personally been sexually assaulted.  Yes, I am sure the language repeated throughout the media rattles some, but for most of us, it goes much deeper.  Regardless of the form of sexual assault, its potential to heap fear, shame, guilt, and hopelessness onto a person is extremely real and affecting.  Fear, for instance, that you will share something deeply personal only to have your experience dismissed, downplayed, or disbelieved.  Fear that the aggressor, if confronted, will only get a slap on the wrist and continue, or worse yet, turn the tables against you, the victim (as is very possible with a charismatic person or someone with power) and slander your reputation.  Fear that reporting what should be reported will mean having to recount the details of your very personal trauma to strangers and acquaintances alike.  Shame that your physical person has been violated and that violation transcends beyond the physical to the emotional, mental, and possibly, spiritual as well.  Shame that taunts, "You are weak and cannot protect yourself."  Shame that belittles, "You belong to someone else and shall be treated as they see fit."  Shame that stares back in the mirror at the bruises or marks and mocks, "You are tainted and everyone else can see it just as plainly as you do in the mirror now."  Guilt that weighs down each day with the accusation that you brought this upon yourself somehow.  Guilt that sneeringly suggests, "By doing or wearing such and such, you were basically begging for it."  Guilt that maybe you could have stopped or prevented it if you had responded differently.  Guilt that can paralyze from seeking comfort in religious circles for fear of appearing less pure or "less Christian."  Hopelessness that publicly recounting your nightmare will only serve as a more constant reminder of an instance you would prefer forget happened.  Hopelessness that the only result of ever saying anything will be pity.  Hopelessness that it often comes down to one person's word against another and the law will fail you.  Hopelessness that hints that maybe it's just easier to attempt to numb or repress the pain than face it.

So please.  Do me and every other woman or man who has been sexually assaulted a favor and consider these public allegations with a strong dose of humility.  To you, it may seem implausible that legitimate victims would have chosen to go public with their stories of harassment or assault until this particular moment in time.  But without bearing in mind that you do not know their motives, however unintentional, the strong doubt cast upon these possible victims may confirm the feelings of fear, shame, guilt, and hopelessness that your daughter or sister or best friend or significant other may be plagued with.

While many applauded the First Lady's passionate speech fervently, many others responded with trite memes, cries of hypocrisy for inviting rap artists to the White House, comparisons of how what was dismissed as "locker room talk" is no worse than what is consumed as mass entertainment, or pointing back at a former President, in the same manner that a child might, and saying, "Oh yeeeeah?  Well look at what HE did!"  None of these responses, or the myriad of others like it, move the discussion forward in a helpful manner.

Can I suggest that a little compassion added to this discussion of sexual assault is long overdue?  We are completely missing the point if, before resuming our political mudslinging, we neglect to stop and consider the very real fact that women and men (because, let's be honest, men are victimized too) are experiencing sexual assault every single day in ways that can define a person's view of self-worth.  And these individuals aren't just faceless victims.  They are your loved ones: friends or co-workers who may be watching to see how these conversations about traumatic sexual experiences unfold.  Family members who may be watching YOUR response to these public allegations to gauge whether they can trust you with their private burdens.

So please, dear reader, before assuming you know why these women stepped into the spotlight to confront the Republican nominee when they did, proceed with caution and-- most importantly-- with humility and compassion.

Labels