3.09.2019

A PSA to the Well-Intentioned Encourager

"I try to encourage young mothers I see in the store," she said confidently.  I responded with a nod, saying, "Most parents can always use encouragement."  "Oh, I know!  I always encourage them by telling them 'The years go by so fast-- enjoy every moment.' "  I cringed and bit my tongue.

Since beginning my own parenting journey, this word of advice has been, far and away, the most unsolicited sentiment lobbed at me from well-meaning individuals long removed from the daily presence of a toddler.  Dear friend, can we be real for a few minutes here?

There is no season of life or circumstance, however great, that is going to carry second-by-second elation.  Maybe you're in your dream job in your dream house with your dream family and dream dog-- you will not enjoy every second of it.  Life does not happen in a bubble because we are flawed individuals who are surrounded by other flawed individuals living in a flawed world. 

I love being a mom and enjoy much of it.  Watching my toddler's sense of humor and language and personality grow by the day is fascinating.  Observing a child, who only 18 months ago couldn't even hold her head up on her own, enjoy reading books and solve problems is truly amazing.  This is the picture that the well-meaning "enjoy every moment" folks undoubtedly have in mind. 

Somehow, time seems to have zapped the other half of the parenting picture from their memories: The times when that budding sense of humor is replaced with a language-limited, very opinionated, and passionate tiny person who whines loudly and makes her body limp to slide out of your arms in a busy parking lot.  Or the times when the world is on the verge of ending because the hoarse-voiced parent has read the same book twelve times instead of the required thirteen.  Or the times that the dogs' water bowl is emptied on to the floor for the fourth time during dinner prep.  Or the times when the stuffed animals are found swimming in the toilet and then demanded shortly after at bedtime.  Or when a whole day's nutrition comes solely from fistfuls of goldfish crackers.  Ya'll, it's hard to enjoy these moments... and these are not rare moments.

In moments where I find myself sighing and turning on yet one more YouTube video of Cookie Monster's rendition of "Baby Shark" just so I can sit down for 150 seconds, the temptation can creep in, "Years go by fast!  You're not loving every second of this!  One day soon you're going to regret this wasted time!  Enjoy!  Enjoy!  Enjoy!"  Parenthood, like any other job, is not a Utopia.  Yes, it is totally rewarding and filled with joy, but it's also exhausting, full of extreme highs and lows, and, often, lonely.  And there's so much at stake-- of which we're all keenly aware. 

If you truly want to encourage a parent with young children, allow them to be real with their struggles during this stage of life.  Offer to watch the "precious little cherub" so they can take a nap.  Take an interest in them as a person by remembering that they might have other things they might want to talk about aside from their child.  Buy them a coffee or wine or a massage.  Or if nothing else, a hug and non-judgmental smile don't cost a thing.  If you're a parent on the other side of this, we DO need you, your encouragement, and your seasoned wisdom... without the unrealistic platitudes.

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