The Post I Don't Want to Write

The following post is brought to you by several days of avoidance, multiple heated inner debates, the desire to immediately hide behind the couch for a week after pressing the "publish" button, and is roughly nineteen years in the making.  In short, this is the post I have been dreading to write.

This is the post that began with a close friend in elementary school who poked my 8-year old stomach a few times and brought it to my attention that I was pudgy.  This is the post that continued to develop the following year when "The Santa Clause" came out containing the line, "A little weight?  You call this a little weight?" and inspired my brother to want to take a family picture reinacting Tim Allen's character holding handfuls of belly fat out from beneath the bottom of his shirt... and the ensuing mortification of being coerced to do so.

This is the post that was written by watching other middle school girls cake on makeup many times a day and don shirts that showed off their midriffs to adolescent boys who I was told were actually worth it.  Still more was added on when a friend stayed overnight but had forgotten pants, and after asking to borrow mine exclaimed that she could fit at least two of herself in them.  This post has also been brought to you by an older relative who immediately upon seeing me on one occasion said, "well, you look fat."

This is the post that continued in high school when a friend and I were taking a picture of ourselves and she held the skin around her thighs back so they wouldn't appear to be larger than desired, and by the horrifying experience of having to try on costumes for the musical and not being able to squeeze into outfits that my peers could easily slip into.  When suggesting to the teacher helping find suitable costumes that it "didn't fit right" and hearing "put it back on so that I can see where exactly it doesn't fit" (which fueled even more embarrassment, if it was possible), I did so and was met with, "Hmm.  You know, you're not a big girl- you just stick out in the wrong places."  NOT reassuring.

This is a post about a topic I've wrestled with more than any thing else in my life.  It is brought to you by the lunch periods I skipped to work on the school newspaper in part so no one would realize I was only consuming milk for lunch, the nutrition matrix that first fueled my obsession to count calories, the diet pills in college that didn't work, the post-college multiple-times-a-day intense workouts, the South Beach craze, when we had to practice measuring body fat during gym classes, and the school nurse's annual height/weight checks.

So why on Earth, if this is the post I don't want to write, am I writing this?  It has nothing to do with learning to "love my curves" or "being content" or blaming those in my past who have wounded me or even losing weight.  No, no.  There is something so much greater, and that is this:

My story does not end with my past.

The fact is that God has gently showed me that it is time for Him to take over this scar- this heavy burden- this obsession- this idol.  In John 8:34-36, Jesus said, "Truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.  The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever.  So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."  While it is true that myriads of events have shaped my view of food, diet, and my body, I am not innocent.  I've made decisions that lacked trust in God's plans for me and wrongly obsessed over food to the point of making having or NOT having it an idol time and time again.  This is slavery.  It's not freedom. 

Yet, that's not the end of the story.  I know that God sacrificed Himself so that I have freedom to leave this idol behind.  That's what this post is about.  If it encourages you, great.  If it lets you know who I am better, fine.  But that's not my main purpose.  This post is what God has not allowed me to avoid because He is teaching me to seek His help every day to loosen my grip on this bondage.

And this is me letting-go, today.