When I'm Not Amazed

I'm alive.  Really.  August and September and October have been very busy, but that's not the primary reason for the lack of updates.  Mostly it has come from not having anything to say that might be worth reading.  This morning though, a song on Pandora came up that brought me back to something I've been thinking about a great deal lately.  "Your Grace Still Amazes Me" has the following lyrics:

My faithful Father, enduring Friend

Your tender mercy's like a river with no end

It overwhelms me, covers my sin

Each time I come into Your presence

I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me

Your love is still a mystery

Each day I fall on my knees

Your grace still amazes me

As I was listening, I found myself mentally responding, "I do not feel amazed.  Nor do I feel overwhelmed by mercy.  Nor do I stand in wonder.  At anything."  So many song lyrics focus on ME and I and what I WANT to do for God.  This has been increasingly frustrating to me lately because you know what?  There are many days when I do NOT desire, I am NOT amazed, I am NOT overwhelmed, I am NOT brought to my feet or knees in wonder.  These songs are not uplifting-- quite the opposite.  They just serve to remind me what a sinful failure I am.  In those moments, the words seem to turn up their noses and scoff at me. 

The fact is that those things worthy of amazement, of overwhelming awe, and wide-eyed wonder ARE worthy... My feelings do not diminish their glorious nature.  In those moments, what I do NOT need to do is just try harder to feel those things.  What I NEED is to remember that Truth.  Cling to that Truth.  Allow that Truth to speak to my heart and mind and soul.  What I NEED to remember is that the Truths are no less wonderful... It is just that I don't understand them or care enough to see them as they are.  

If you are feeling as I am today- downtrodden, sullen, underwhelmed- join with me in returning to the wonderful fact that God's faithfulness, His mercy, His presence, His grace, are not diminished by how I feel about them.